Resting easy, now
back in a familiar place
always be our girl
Dropping her off yesterday was the easy part; I didn’t have to face the reality yet. The lump on her knee had been growing this past week, each day just a little more swollen. But still. Having to lose her leg feels like so much overkill, like crushing an acorn with a steamroller. It was the right choice, the only option if she’s to have a chance at living out her normal span, and intellectually we accept it. In a couple weeks, once the staples are out and we’re used to seeing the changed shape of her body and the new way she moves, it’ll all be fine. She’ll be fine.
This morning we brought her back home. She was alert and crying when they led her back to us, in pain and confusion. On the way home the sedatives kicked in, and she’s resting peacefully now. The worst part is that it’s impossible to make her understand any of this. I’ve been through surgeries, and the initial pain and shock are bad enough when you know what’s happening and why. I can’t even comprehend what it’s like to wake up in agony and missing a limb, for no apparent reason other than the cruel whim of strange people, people who are so nice to you when you’re awake.
This is easily the most awful thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’m sure, someday, something worse will come along. But for now, intentionally inflicting agony, mutilation and suffering on a beloved innocent creature, regardless of the reason…
I’ll get over it – life doesn’t stop happening just because you feel bad, and sitting around crying certainly won’t help her any. Or me, either.
But anyway – if I seem to be not my usual self for a couple days, well… bear with me. And don’t worry. I really will be alright, because I know that she really will be alright. It wouldn’t be so awful if I didn’t love her so much, and I’m more thankful for that love than I can possibly express.
No matter what, she’ll always be our beautiful girl.